Once again, I catch myself feeling sorry for myself. This is starting to become a more and more frequent occurrence, and it sucks.
My small light at the end of the tunnel is still there, I’m sure. I just think the tunnel I have to travel through has become so much longer that the light can no longer be seen. If the light is not there anymore, I don’t really understand what the point would be continuing. It would be so much easier to just give up, curl into a foetal position and wait for a miracle. Fat chance of that. So I’m stuck being down for now.
What has brought all this on? Who knows. I’ve been supporting my parents for almost a year now, and my savings are completely exhausted now – they have been for months. These are the savings with which I intended to emigrate to the country of milk and honey (other gay people).
So, I’m currently living hand to mouth, forking over more than half of my pay to my parents. I know kids are supposed to look after their parents at some point in their lives – I just never expected it to be this soon, and I certainly never expected to resent it. I feel awful about not being the “perfect son” I thought it was. I haven’t told them (or intimated in any other way) that I resent it. Non-the-less, I do. And that makes me feel down.
Or perhaps its because I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no social interaction. Although, even if I was in town, the few people I count as friends are so spread out around the country I would only get to see them once a month at the most.
Maybe its because I’m trapped in my job due to my rather precarious financial situation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exactly hate my job – I just really can’t concentrate on it. I planned to leave in October this year in order to begin my new life, and now that has fallen through and I really do feel trapped now.
Seeing other people happy just makes me more unhappy. My best friends, Ciara and Jason, have been together for about two years now and they are happy. My ex, Wayne DiddlePoo is moving countries as he has “found love”, and my other ex, Allen, has been dating someone for the last 6 months. I, of course, isolate myself against this by leaving them alone as much as possible. I really have become a hermit now.
So, one of the signs of depression is reckless behaviour. Whilst I’m not drinking and driving (I got that out of my system before I came out), I have started hooking up for one night stands. This is something I would not ordinarily do. I’ve had 4 one night stands (different guys) in the last two months. Before that my last ‘hook up’ was November 2014, and then before that, December 2013. So I usually average one one night stand a year. So this is an interesting development. Not entirely enjoyable, as I hate myself afterwards – don’t you feel dirty when you hook up with a stranger just to get off?
Anyway, thanks for listening cyberspace. Sometimes you’re the only one I can talk to.